mARTIN'S mUMBLINGS

A Great History Lesson

2010-06-28T22:08:00.001-07:00

The Route of the Problem

2010-06-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — eyes wide and pale as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asks. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit — exactly 22 miles per hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" is the route number and not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be OK in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

For more funnies like this check out PatriotHumor

What a simple difference...

2010-04-13T20:44:00.000-07:00

Have you read this story? It is too true and so sad...

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and rake my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why don't the homeless guys come over and do the work, and you can just pay them the $50?"

I shook her hand and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
...Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Deer & Dog at Play

2010-04-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Did you notice the two cats watching?! Too funny!

The Moral of Two Stories

2010-01-14T16:30:00.000-08:00

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

________________________________________
MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, We shall overcome. Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood..

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Government Handouts

2009-12-16T08:34:00.000-08:00

I couldn't resist this was too funny!

A Great Commercial...

2009-12-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

Well...uuhhmmm....

2009-12-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

The Economy is so Bad...

2009-09-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

The economy is so bad Obama met with three small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

The economy is so bad McDonalds is selling the quarter-ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad people in Africa are donating money to Americans.

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying-off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally, Congress investigated the Bernard Madoff scandal: Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear was investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Three Men on a hike

2009-07-04T07:07:00.000-07:00

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man Prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river" Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the River." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

If at first you don't succeed, Do it the way your wife told you!

Daddy's Poem

2009-06-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favourite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.

But her mummy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the back wall, for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?' She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,' another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mum.
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.

And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him. I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart
I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart'

With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath his favourite dress.

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love of a dad not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far.

You see he was a soldier and died just this past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy and taught brave men to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.

And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,' to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long- stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.

Charley the Wal-Mart greeter

2009-06-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a fantastic job, but your being late so often is bothersome. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Coffee this morning, sir?'"

A good wife...

2009-05-15T10:56:00.001-07:00

can bring balance to your life...

Wouldn't you agree?!?

This was on a friend's blog and I "borrowed" it because it was too good to not pass on to you, my friends.

The post turtle

2009-05-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

A doctor struck up a conversation with a hard-working 75 year old rancher while suturing a mean cut on the old man's leathery hand. Eventually the topic got around to Obama.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, Obama is a 'post turtle.'"

Unfamiliar with the term, the doctor asked him what he meant.

The old rancher replied, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle.'"

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued: "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of complete moron put him up there to begin with."

A Mother's Worth??

2009-05-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Try Over $840,000 !!

Your Mother may be priceless to you, but in today's job market she's worth over $800,000 per year (up more than $39,000 from last year), according to Edelman Financial Services' Annual Mother's Day study. The study includes the salaries of the many occupations that a typical mother might hold during the course of a given year.

The tenth annual EFS study examined salary data obtained from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. Edelman's goal was to establish criteria and determine what the combined median yearly salary would be for a multi-tasking mother being asked to:

*Raise children
*Cook meals
*Keep house
*Care for pets
*Dispense medications and nursing care
*Attend meetings and functions
*Manage family finances
*Provide transportation
*Assist with homework
*Listen to and resolve family problems
*Keep family on schedule
*Maintain family order and harmony

"Edelman Financial Services is attempting to quantify and track the true market value of a mother's annual worth in today's economy," said Ric Edelman, whose company manages over 2.4 billion in client assets. "Of course, no one can place a value on the love and affection that mothers give to their families," he said. "But since a mother wears many hats and is on duty 24/7, we decided that a typical mother deserves a full-time yearly salary for all 17 key occupational positions."

Edelman noted that these figures should be higher, because they do not include the retirement, health and insurance benefits that workers in these positions typically receive.

"So if you haven't given much thought to the benefits of having a mom, try finding the money you'd need to pay someone to do everything that she does," Edelman said.

What do I say?

“Well, don't forget to put the check in the Mother's Day card -- you know the one for $841,900.”

The talking dog

2009-05-08T16:36:00.000-07:00

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I wanted to help America, so I interviewed with the the CIA. In no time at all they had me traveling around the world and hanging out with spies and world leaders. After all, no one figured a dog could eavesdrop. I proved to be one of their most valuable spies for a decade. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I got married and had a mess of puppies. Now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten bucks," the guy says.

"This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him for just ten dollars?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that stuff!"

Gun Control...I'm for it!

2009-04-28T08:39:00.000-07:00

Why? Well...because proper gun control is the most effective way to get your bullet to the correct destination.

Here are some tips for effective gun control:

* Practice shooting positions, especially field positions.

* Know your sights. Only one alignment will bring perfect results.

* Breathe calmly and deeply, exhale, then hold for the trigger squeeze

* Know your trigger, squeeze it slowly and firmly.

I thought that this advertising statement from the NRA was too good to not include in my blogging about gun control.

So if you think the term Gun Control means using 2 hands...we are looking to recruit you for the Battle of the 2nd Amendment.

More Bizarre Creatures

2009-04-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

The Alpaca
The Alpaca (Vicugna pacos) is a domesticated species of South American camelid. It resembles a small llama in superficial appearance. Alpacas are considerably smaller than llamas, and unlike llamas, alpacas are not used as beasts of burden but are valued only for their fiber.

The Angora rabbit
The Angora rabbit is a variety of domestic rabbit bred for its long, soft hair. The Angora is one of the oldest types of domestic rabbit, originating in Ankara, Turkey, along with the Angora cat and Angora goat. The rabbits were popular pets with French royalty in the mid 1700s, and spread to other parts of Europe by the end of the century.

The Axolotl
The Axolotl (Ambystoma mexicanum) is the best-known of the Mexican neotenic mole salamanders belonging to the Tiger Salamander complex. Larvae of this species fail to undergo metamorphosis, so the adults remain aquatic and gilled. The species originates from the lake underlying Mexico City. Axolotls, also known as ajolote (ajolote is incorrect) are used extensively in scientific research due to their ability to regenerate most body parts, ease of breeding, and large embryos.

The Blobfish
The Blobfish (Psychrolutes marcidus) is a fish that inhabits the deep waters off the coasts of Australia and Tasmania. Due to the inaccessibility of its habitat, it is rarely seen by humans. Blobfish are found at depths where the pressure is several dozens of times higher than at sea level, which would likely make gas bladders inefficient. To remain buoyant, the flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor without expending energy on swimming. The relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter that floats by in front of it.

The Komondor dog
The Komondor (lat. Canis familiaris pastorialis villosus hungaricus) is a livestock guardian dog breed originally from Hungary. The dreadlock coat must have developed under a dry and extreme temperature climate as it provides superb protection against cold and hot weather, but is not too comfortable in wet weather. The Komondor is built for livestock guarding. It is big, strong, and armored with a thick coat. The coat provides protection against wild animals and the weather and vegetation, the coat of the dog looks similar to that of a sheep so it can easily blend into a flock and camouflage itself giving it an advantage when predators such as wolves attack. The coat is the trademark of the breed.

The Proboscis Monkey
The Proboscis Monkey (Nasalis larvatus), also known as simply the Long-nosed Monkey, is a reddish-brown arboreal Old World monkey that is endemic to the south-east Asian island of Borneo. A distinctive trait of this monkey is the male's large protruding nose, from which it takes its name. The nose is thought to be used in mating and is unique to the males of the species, reaching up to 7 inches in length. Besides attracting mates, the nose serves as a resonating chamber and works by amplifying their warning calls. When the animal becomes agitated its nose swells with blood, making warning calls louder and more intense. in any other primate.
The Proboscis Monkey also has a large belly, as a result of its diet.

The Star-nosed Mole
The Star-nosed Mole (Condylura cristata) is a small North American mole found in eastern Canada and the north-eastern United States. The Star-nosed Mole is covered in thick blackish brown water-repellent fur and has large scaled feet and a long thick tail, which appears to function as a fat storage reserve for the spring breeding season. The mole's most distinctive feature is a circle of 22 mobile, pink, fleshy tentacles at the end of the snout. These are used to identify food by touch, such as worms, insects and crustaceans. The incredibly sensitive nasal tentacles are covered with almost one hundred thousand minute touch receptors known as Eimer's organs. Other mole species also possess Eimer's organs, though they are not as specialized or numerous as in the Star-nosed Mole.

Sucker-footed Bat
The Madagascar Sucker-footed Bat, Old World Sucker-footed Bat, or simply Sucker-footed Bat (Myzopoda aurita) is a species of bat in the family Myzopodidae. It is endemic to Madagascar. It is threatened by habitat loss. It is named for the presence of small suction cups on its wrists and ankles. They roost inside the rolled leaves of palm trees, using their suckers to attach themselves to the smooth surface.

Tapir
Tapirs are large browsing mammals, roughly pig-like in shape, with short, prehensile snouts. They inhabit jungle and forest regions of South America, Central America, and Southeast Asia. All four species of tapir are classified as endangered or vulnerable. Their closest relatives are the other odd-toed ungulates, including horses and rhinoceroses.

The ET Tarsier
The Philippine Tarsier (Tarsius syrichta), known locally as the Mawmag in Cebuano/Visayan, is an endangered tarsier species endemic to the Philippines. It is found in the southeastern part of the archipelago, particularly in the islands of Bohol, Samar, Leyte, and Mindanao. Its name is derived from its elongated "tarsus" or ankle bone. Its geographic range also includes Maripipi Island, Siargao Island, Basilan Island and Dinagat Island.Tarsiers have also been reported in Sarangani, although they may be different subspecies. Being a member of a family that is about 45 million years old, it was only introduced to western biologists in the 18th century.

Liberal Politician
Liberal Politician also called Politicus Ignoramius is widely dispersed throughout the world but the largest known colony has been found on the eastern coast of America near the Virginia-Maryland area. These creatures vary in color, size, and gender but are easily identifiable by their forked-tongues, shifty-eyes, and yellow-bellies. Most of these species fall in the liberalis democraticus family.

Meet the Hairy Frogfish

2009-04-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

Dude, that is a cool fish and did you see how it baits in its food.

Animation versus Animator

2009-04-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

This is too funny!!

Check it out here

Too Funny

2009-03-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

US Airways Flight 1549

2009-03-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Heroes come in many shapes and sizes, of various ages and backgrounds. This pilot is reminiscent of the police and fire rescuers who gave their lives in rescue attempts during 9/11. What a great credit to his character. Strong people always lead weak people always run away.

The Little Red Hen

2009-03-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

The little red hen called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, 'If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?'
'Not I,' said the cow.
'Not I,' said the duck.
'Not I,' said the pig.
'Not I,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.

'Who will help me reap my wheat?' asked the little red hen.
'Not I,' said the duck..
'Out of my classification,' said the pig.
'I'd lose my seniority,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my unemployment compensation,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen, and so she did.

At last it came time to bake the bread.
'Who will help me bake the bread?' asked the little red hen.
'That would be overtime for me,' said the cow.
'I'd lose my welfare benefits,' said the duck.
'I'm a dropout and never learned how,' said the pig.
'If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination,' said the goose.
'Then I will do it by myself,' said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.

They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, 'No, I shall eat all five loaves.'
'Excess profits!' cried the cow.
'Capitalist leech!' screamed the duck.
'I demand equal rights!' yelled the goose.
The pig just grunted in disdain.
And they all painted 'Unfair!' picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.

Then the farmer came. He said to the little red hen, 'You must not be so greedy.'
'But I earned the bread,' said the little red hen.
'Exactly,' said the farmer. 'That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle.'

And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, 'I am grateful, for now I truly understand.' But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the 'party' and got her bread free. And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established.

Individual initiative & responsibility has died, but nobody notices; perhaps no one cares...so long as there is free bread that 'the rich' are paying for.

A Child's Report on the Bible

2009-03-03T17:12:00.000-08:00

Not certain how much of this is truly written by a child but it is a good little laugh either way...ENJOY :)

Through the eyes of a child:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sentten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

JOY

2009-03-02T09:44:00.000-08:00

Joy is a word
Not thought much of today
We take it for granted
As we go on our way.

We wonder why joy
Is not on many faces
We try to find joy
In all the wrong places.

Joy is found
Not in owrd but in deed
In helping others
Who are in need.

In knowing Jesus
True Joy is there
To know how much
God really cares.

Choose Joy, my friend
Put a smile on your face
And you will see
God's Love and Grace.

Donna Larkin

WARNING!!

2009-02-23T11:33:00.000-08:00

I just heard that later this year that the government will start killing all the crazy people.

I started crying when I thought of you.

Run, little reader, run!

Smile God loves you and He is still in control.

I pray that you are having a blessed day in the Lord!!

ATHEIST "HOLY DAY"

2009-02-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.

The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case Dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

You gotta love a proper understanding of scripture!

Not certain if any of this story has any bit of truth to it but it sure is cute...hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!!

Unemployment Is No Vacation

2009-02-20T06:37:00.000-08:00

As I read this article I realized that posting this would be benficial for all of us as many have family members, friends, and brothers/sisters-in-Christ who have lost or may lose their job. I challenge you to consider and practice these simple points and let the love of Christ show through you especially now in the current financial turmoil. we are facing. God Bless, Martin

Supporting someone who is out of work.
by Laura Petherbridge

"I have something for you," my friend Ruth said with a smile. She handed me a bag containing three oranges and a grapefruit. Her simple gift communicated that she understood my pain.

Ruth had heard about my husband's recent job loss. She could identify with my situation — years earlier her husband had experienced unemployment, too. Moved by her thoughtful gesture, I began to weep.

After 14 years with a Christian ministry, my husband, Steve, lost his job. The ministry had downsized before, so we knew it was possible, but that didn't eliminate the sting.

Fortunately, we were financially prepared for a rainy day. But as the weeks turned into months, discouragement pounded at our door.

Pain and confusion accompany job loss more than I'd ever realized. I'd previously had a cavalier attitude toward people facing unemployment, but now that I was standing in the midst of this emotional tornado, I understood the severity of the situation. Rejections and closed doors shook our confidence and even challenged our faith. And the insensitivity of others needled at our sore hearts.

Through the experience, I gained empathy for unemployed friends and family members and learned how best to respond when someone I care about loses a job.

Invite
One of our greatest needs during Steve's unemployment was social interaction. As a speaker and writer, I work from home. When my husband lost his job, we were suddenly under the same roof day and night. We felt guilty spending money on such things as a movie or dinner, and we rarely left the house. As depression crept into my home, it changed from a comforting sanctuary to a prison cell.

If your friend is unemployed, ask him or her over for dinner. The meal doesn't have to be fancy; it’s your friendship and the welcoming atmosphere that help.

Network
Offer to circulate your friend or family member's résumé. Many jobs are found through networking. Employers often prefer to hire someone from a referral rather than off the street. I was touched and amazed by the number of people who were willing to share Steve's résumé with potential employers.

Share
My friend Ruth gave us a gift card to Starbucks with this instruction: "Treat yourselves to an occasional date." Even though we weren't big coffee drinkers, the card was a perfect present. It provided the opportunity to sit in a comfortable, fun atmosphere and feel normal again. I looked forward to those precious moments when I could treat myself without feeling guilty.

During Steve's almost 11 months of unemployment, several people sent us gift cards and checks in the mail. Without fail, a gift would arrive at a point when our hope was faltering.

The monetary value of these surprises was wonderful, but the hidden treasure was the tangible reminder that God hadn't forgotten us. God didn't calm the storm, but through the generosity of others, He provided shelter during the downpour.

Care
Perhaps the most pain during this season came from Christians who didn't understand my crisis of faith. When God delayed in providing another job, I sometimes became angry and confused. It's not as though we were asking God for a new Mercedes. We were pleading for resources to pay the utility bills. Certainly the God who parted the Red Sea for Moses and held back the sun for Joshua could bring a job for my honest and hard-working husband.

Instead of receiving grace, I heard critical comments such as, "Your lack of faith is showing." Those ill-spoken words hurt more than the job loss itself. I discovered when and where it was safe to drop my mask and reveal the turmoil in my soul.

Trusting God and reading His Word daily did not eliminate the pain; I needed people to hold my hand and comfort my aching heart. Your unemployed friend needs compassion, not a sermon.

We will never forget Steve's season of job loss because it birthed a compassion for others in similar circumstances. Look around your neighborhood or church for those facing unemployment. All it may take is a small bag of oranges and a grapefruit to show them you care.

This article first appeared in the Couples edition of the October, 2008 issue of Focus on the Family magazine. Copyright © 2008 Laura Petherbridge. All rights reserved.

Economic Business Plan

2009-01-20T20:46:00.000-08:00

Friends please bear with this lengthy posting, but in an effort to raise the needed funds to finance the Lord's work here I want to present the following proposal. The plan involves leasing at least 100 acres of land and starting a possum ranch. A possum skin can be sold for about $1 each skin. If we can raise enough partners/capital to start with 250,000 possums, a possum will have about 12 babies a year so within one year the original investment of 250,000 possums will grow to 30 million. At $1 per possum skin we could gross $30 million harvesting the skins. Of course there are many beautiful uses for possum skin. Below are some samples:

Notice the richness of the color, the suppleness of the skin in both the Throw and the Comforter.

The biggest obstacle would be the expense of feeding and skinning the possums. There would probably be a lot of rats converging on the ranch because of the filth created by the possums. So I propose that we train the possums to eat the rats that would serve two purposes: first it would serious eliminate the rat population and to it would save a ton of money on feeding the possums. The limited population of surviving rats would help us in the disposal/decomposition of the possum carcasses after we skinned them, thus keeping the ranch cleaner and aiding us in overall care and control of both populations.

The only other hurdle would be the expense of salaries for the hired possum skinners. I do suppose that a large albeit necessary investment in research and development could possibly lead to a gene/splicing of possum DNA with snake could limit this financial burden of hired skinners. Logically since snakes shed their skins, perhaps the possum/snake hybrid could accomplish this for us and just simply increase our profit with only a limited rise in overhead. In fact, I was just watching the Discovery channel and they have identified snake species that shed their skin two or three times in the same year. Imagine the profit potential with just a minimal R&D investment. We are looking at over $60 million year profit out of this hybrid gene-spliced possum skin in both more possum skin output as well as a savings from not having to hire expensive possum skinners.

The big money of course is not just in the possum skins at $1 each. The fortune to be made is in selling this idea and allowing others to join the ranks of wealth with us with but a modest donation, an investment in the plan. As a pastor in a society full of name-it-and-claim-it, God-told-me-to-do-it, get rich quick jargon of so many "religious leaders" it should not be difficult at all to add people to our plan. I'm available to present our business plan to your friends but really the selling of the idea, the dream, to your friends needs to come from you. You could present this as a simple investment plan "selling shares" or maybe develop a "pyramid-like" organization that allows others to bring financial supporters/investors in under their "authority".

Either way you decide to build your investors please allow me to send you a customized starter kit for a one time fee of $149.95. This starter kit is only that first push in the right direction for establishing our initial investment, plus this one time fee is only to cover the cost of the professional presentation and to establish connections within the possum-skin business. Now you can utilize your starter kit to develop your own local possum ranch and it would only require $13.50 per person that invested in your ranch to be paid back to me for royalties and copyright protection, etc. The world is our oyster and we with dedication and a powerful presentation will make our own pearls!

Some reader might want to try the Possum Ranch plan, but God has a better way of financing His work on earth -- it's found in Malachi 3:8-10 and has been successfully proven by many who obey Him!!

"Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings...Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation...Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."

US Considering Tax on Cows

2009-01-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

The following is excerpted from “Government Considering Gas Tax on Cows,” WKYC TV, leveland, Ohio, Jan. 6, 2009: “Scientists say an average dairy cow can pass 50 to 100 gallons of gasses into the air daily. The federal EPA is considering a gas tax on dairy cattle and other farm animals. For dairy cows, the tax could be $175 for each animal per year. The American Farm Bureau Federation says that could cost a medium sized dairy farm $40,000 a year. ‘We won’t even make that in profit this year,' said Brenda Hastings of Hastings Dairy in Burton. ... Hastings pointed out that Farm Bureau research shows dairy cattle emissions account for only 0.66 percent of greenhouse gasses. ‘More than two thirds of greenhouse gasses come from water vapor. Maybe they should tax Lake Erie instead,’ she said.”

Perhaps the Argentines have it figured out. The photo above shows an Argentine cow with a gas tank for trapping expelled methane gas.

Giving Thanks!

2008-11-18T03:34:00.000-08:00

A godly farmer was doing business in 'the big city' and stopped at a restaurant to eat lunch. When his meal was brought, he bowed his head and silently gave thanks. A group of loud young men at the next table saw what he did, and one of them called out: "Hey, farmer, does everybody do that where you come from?" "No," replied the farmer, "the pigs don't."

Giving thanks at the table can often become routine. We forget that this simple act of worship is really at the heart of our Christian faith; we are acknowledging our utter dependence upon God. To eat without giving thanks is arrogance and pride.

"Keep the Change"

2008-11-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

A friend put this on his blog and I thought it was funny so I copied it to share with you:

They Tell Me There Is A ...
Bumper sticker seen in Dallas,Texas:

“I’'ll keep my freedom, my guns, and my MONEY, YOU CAN KEEP THE CHANGE!”

Vote for McCain/Palin

Remember it is the Church-house not the Whitehouse that makes the difference in the lives of people.

Isa 40:15 Behold, the nations are as a drop of a bucket, and are counted as the small dust of the balance: behold, he taketh up the isles as a very little thing.

On Cell Phones & the Bible

2008-10-28T03:14:00.000-07:00

I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phone?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we used it to receive text messages?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we included our family on it's share plan?
What if we used it when we traveled?
What if we used it in case of an emergency?
What if we used it to keep in touch with our best friend?

This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?

Sadly, like our cell phone, we should worry about keeping the signal strong and clear of obstruction; otherwise the communication is going to break down.

Oh, and yes there are no dropped calls from the other end.

Started a Business

2008-10-10T15:13:00.001-07:00

Well, friends it is official I have started the web design business (Baptist Ministries Worldwide - Online) that many desired and encouraged me to start. I have been building websites for nearly 10 years now which started from my interest of keeping my widely spread out family informed of the latest happenings in our life, as we travelled around the world while serving in the Marine Corps. I eventually graduated from personal websites to creating professional websites for the churches we attended. This has become very much my favorite hobby over the years.

Understand that I love pastoring and am not replacing my ministry with this hobby of mine. I'm not looking to build a large business or a means of financial support through this business, but I am looking to help churches and missionaries create a web presence. The more I talk to pastors & missionaries and I realize the large expense of websites; the more I see a real need for top-notch website development with very affordable (read: cheap) web services.

I pastor a very small church (September's average Sunday Morning attendance was 23) and have to work a 2nd job just to make ends meet. I know without my knowledge of web development that we could not afford (and probably would not see a need for) a website, but we have had two different families that visited our church because they searched for a church in the area via the Internet and found us. These are visitors from outside of the immediate area of the church and where we have gone canvassing. So a web presence is a real blessing and I would even go so far to say it is a necessity. As more and more people are accustomed to 'googling' on the Internet than reaching for the yellow pages in their search for restaurants, hair-dressers, video stores, and yes even churches, we find more of a need for churches to have a web presence.

I also think that ministry websites need to be updated regularly and give people (members or visitors) a connection to the ministry. These websites need to stay current with the use of the appropriate and coordinating colors, pictures, embedded Javascript or Flash, availability of audio sermons or videos online, easy to use layout, and so much more that the average pastor or missionary doesn't even consider. Most churches may have a member who has an interest to help with website but doesn't always have the experience or commitment to the website and so it quickly becomes impractical to maintain or outdated in its content.

I say all of this to share with you why I started BMW-O and if you or your ministry needs a web presence I would encourage you to consider Baptist Ministries Worldwide - Online for you online needs. Thank you for your time and prayers.

WHAT IS A CAT?

2008-10-09T09:04:00.000-07:00

(According to a man)

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in fur coats!

By the way, I would know this about cats and women, since I have two ladies and 3 female cats in the house!! Pray for us guys!!

Smile people will wonder what you have been up to?!!

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

2008-10-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

~ Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

~ Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

~ Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

~ Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

~ "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

~ Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

~ The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

~ The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

~ Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

~ Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

~ The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

~ Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

~ Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

~ Don't let worry kill you off --let the Church help.

~ Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

~ The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

~ Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

~ The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

~ A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

You gota learn to spell-check!!

Church Signs

2008-10-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

I enjoy some of the witty statements that churches put on their signs. I have used a few witty statements to get people's attention about the things of God. And plan to use a couple of these soon. Enjoy!

Who says Religion can't be funny?

2008-09-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast

Jewish Olympic Swimmer

The Woodpecker Might have to go!

May your troubles be less,

may your blessings be more,

and may nothing but happiness

come through your door

Love you all and praying for you!!

Rebuilding New Orleans

2008-09-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

This is the first thing that I've seen that makes sense in the expensive efforts to rebuild New Orleans.

For complete description of materials and exact instructions on how to build it, please refer to Genesis 5:14-16

Three Little Words

2008-09-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

Just three little words-
But oh how much they say.
"I love you," "Hold me tight,"
"Stay by me," "Let us pray."

Learning words in childhood
At my mother's knee
Was, oh, so very simple
As they were taught to me.

And there are many others
I've learned along the way-
"Take my hand," "I need you,"
And "Never go away."

These words have never left me-
I use them o'er and o'er;
And as life is slipping by me
I use them even more.

God hears these words-
Each simple little line.
Now I wait for Him to say,
"Come...you're mine."

--by Erma Fajen MacFarlane

The Pastor's Cat

2008-09-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

Dwight Nelson told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove slowly away, the tree would bend and he would be able to reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be sufficiently bent for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.
The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air and out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit the kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then she told him how her little girl had been begging for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again and the Mom finally told her little girl, "If God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my daughter go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

The moral of our story is "Never underestimate the Will of God, the Power of Prayer, and His unique sense of humor."

9-11 Survivors

2008-09-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

Let us take sometime to think of the tragedy of 9-11 another way. Let us look at the stories of those who survived death in the Twin Towers -

As you might know the head of a company survived 9-11 because his son
started kindergarten that morning.

Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed the bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's car wouldn't start.

One went back to answer the phone.

One had a child who dawdled and they didn't get ready as soon as they should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me the most was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning, took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his heel. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today.

Now when we are stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer the telephone -- all the little things that seem to annoy us; let us think to ourselves, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment.

Continuing Thoughts on Prayer...

2008-09-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

Charles Spurgon said this regarding prayer-

Prayer pulls the rope below and the great bell rings above in the ears of God. Some scarcely stir the bell, for they pray so languidly, others give but an occassional pluck at the rope; but he who wins with heaven is the man who grasps the rope boldly and pulls continuously, with all his might.

Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays. ~Søren Kierkegaard

No one is a firmer believer in the power of prayer than the devil; not that he practices it, but he suffers from it. ~Guy H. King

Trouble and perplexity drive me to prayer and prayer drives away perplexity and trouble. ~Philip Melanchthen

The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will hear Him. ~William McGill

Prayer may not change things for you, but it for sure changes you for things. ~Samuel M. Shoemaker

Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude. ~Walter A. Mueller

The Lord's Prayer may be committed to memory quickly, but it is slowly learnt by heart. ~Frederick Denison Maurice

It is good for us to keep some account of our prayers, that we may not unsay them in our practice. ~Matthew Henry

How To Pray...

2008-09-08T00:21:00.000-07:00

"The proper way for a man to pray,"
Said Deacon Lemuel Keys,
"The only proper attitude
Is down upon your knees."

"No! I should say the way to pray,"
Said Reverend Dr. Wise,
"Is standing straight with outstretched arms
And rapturous upturned eyes."

"It seems to me, his hands should be
Devoutly clasped in front.
With both thumbs pointing toward the ground."
Said Reverend Dr. Blunt.

"Last year, I fell in Hodkin's well,
Head first," said Cyrus Brown.
"With both my heels a stickin' up,
My head a-p'intin' down.

"And I made prayer right then and there-
Best prayer I ever said!
The prayinest prayer I ever prayed
Was standin' on my head."

I would surmise that prayer is not a position as much as it is a passion. Don't wait until you are desperate to pray...God is always taking requests.

Ten Rules for Happier Living

2008-09-02T23:12:00.000-07:00

1. Give something away (no strings attached).

2. Do a kindness (and forget it).

3. Spend a few minutes with the aged (their experience is a priceless guidance).

4. Look intently into the face of a baby (and marvel).

5. Laugh often (it is life's lubricant).

6. Give thanks (a thousand times a day is not enough).

7. Pray (or you will lose the way).

8. Work (with vim and vigor).

9. Plan as though you will live forever (because you will).

10. Live as though you will die tomorrow (because you will die on some tomorrow).

"I Baptize You..."

2008-08-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

A little boy and his cat were playing quietly on the kitchen floor.

The boy's mother came to see what they were doing, and she heard the little boy preaching God's Word to his cat. So she smiled to herself and went about her chores.

Later she heard the cat fussing quite a bit, so she went to see what was going on.

The little boy had the cat in their kitchen sink full of water. The mother told him that cats don't like water.

The boy sharply replied, "He should've thought of that before he joined the church!"

I pray that this added a smile to your day and that your smile added to another's day!!

When Men Forget...

2008-08-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

Dog Logic

2008-08-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate.
-Anonymous

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret

Wow--more clean humor!

2008-08-12T12:53:00.000-07:00

Feel free to groan (with delight, of course).

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

P.S. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!

Some Cute Jokes...

2008-08-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

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Life is funny at times and at other times it is scary...I find it healthier and more fun to laugh!!

"Playing Church"

2008-07-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

Two Little Boys ~

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his little brother by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the younger boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she asked the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "And I was baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."

True Independence means Dependence

2008-07-04T15:34:00.000-07:00

George Washington’s Prayer

Almighty God, we make our earnest prayer that thou wilt keep the United States in Thy holy protection; that thou wilt incline the hearts of the citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination and obedience to government; to entertain a brotherly affection and love for one another and for their fellow citizens of the United States at large. And finally that Thou wilt most graciously be pleased to dispose us all to do justice, to love mercy, and to demean ourselves with that charity, humility, and pacific temper of mind, which were the characteristics of the Divine Author of our blessed religion, and without an humble imitation of whose example in these things we can never hope to be a happy nation. Grant our supplication, we beseech Thee, through Jesus Christ, our Lord.
Amen.

Daniel Webster Said:

“Finally, let us not forget the religious character of our origin. Our fathers were brought hither by their high veneration for the Christian religion. They journeyed by its light, and labored in its hope. They sought to incorporate its principles with the elements of their society and to diffuse its influence through all their institutions, civil, political, or literary. Let us cherish these sentiments, and extend this influence still more widely; in the full conviction, that that is the happiest society which partakes in the highest degree of the mild and peaceable spirit of Christianity.”

I wanted to blog today but...

2008-07-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

I can't! Apparently something has crashed on my computer

And oddly enough the mouse is missing, too...hmmmm!?!?!

Smile and have a great day...God is still in control and caring for you!!

25 ways to improve your health!!

2008-06-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

1. Brush twice a day!
2. Dress right for the weather.
3. Visit the dentist regularly.
4. Get plenty of rest.
5. Make sure your hair is dry before going outside.
6. Eat right.
7. Get outside in the sun every once in a while.
8. Always wear a seatbelt.
9. Drink plenty of fluids.
10. Smile! It will make you feel better.
11. Don't over indulge yourself.
12. Bathe regularly.
13. Read to exercise the brain.
14. Surround yourself with good friends.
15. Stay away from too much caffeine.
16. Use the bathroom regularly.
17. Get plenty of exercise.
18. Have your eyes checked regularly.
19. Eat plenty of vegetables.
20. Believe that people will like you for who you are.
21. Forgive and forget.
22. Take plenty of vacations.
23. Celebrate all special occasions.
24. Take up a hobby.
25. Love your neighbor as yourself.

Do all these things and you will be a happier, healthier person!

Having A Bad Day!!

2008-06-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

Check out these pictures of someone else having a bad day! This was in an email sent me entitled "Next Time I'll Take the Pictures!"

As long as you aren't facing any bears...you should be having a great day!!

Ever need a 'getaway'?

2008-06-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

2008-06-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

After reading my wife's post about our daughter Elisabeth and taking the pictures of her and the contents of her backpack/purse. I scribbled out this simple poem:

Little Girls' Purses

Little girls' purses hold
Amazing things-
Lip gloss, nail polish,
Toys, and string,
But this treasure is nothing
To the wealth one finds
In little girls' hearts and
Little girls’ minds!!

As Fathers' Day approaches I truly realize how blessed I am with a great wife and three wonderful children. I'm proud to be the father of James & Philip...two of the most kind and tender-hearted boys I know. I'm also excited to have a three year old daughter re-teaching me the things I didn't always have time for with the boys.

I love all 3 of you guys, so much!!Yes, I know that they don't look like this anymore but I love this picture. It was taken by a friend while we lived in Japan.

Ok the let's talk about the diet

2008-06-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I have never been one to have a real weight issue; except for when I was injured in the Marine Corps (and that was a whole lot of something else, too). Being taller (almost 6'2") helps hide the poundage but I have noticed a substantial weight gain since getting discharged in 2006 of nearly 50 lbs. I have felt it in the trousers that my wife keeps shrinking in the laundry or int he knees that don't quite bend enough to put my socks on without sitting, but of course it was never from lack of exercise or terrible eating habits...right?!? When Kimberly (my lovely wife of 15 1/2 yrs) told me that we were going on a diet together I was irritated just with the idea of buying all this different, expensive food and having my life turned upside forever. But when she told me about just a 6-week commitment and that while somethings would change we would still be eating just regular food differently not really incurring any added expense...I reluctantly agreed. It was one of the best things that I have done!

When we received our 'diet box' with our custom diet notebooks, our cookbook, our individual workout plans and our instructional videos to tell you honestly I was not too thrilled. I convinced Kimberly to wait until the following Monday so that (1) we could develop a reasonable shopping list (read cheap list) and (2) get rid of the food in the house that would not be allowed for at least the first six weeks. Well, she disappointingly agreed but she watched the videos and put together our notebooks and tried to explain how it worked to me (she still has to explain parts because I'm slow and lazy...since I don't study my own notebook!). As Kimberly explained to me that we were to eat about 6 times I day, I thought "Who has time for that?" and this thought was closely followed by "Hey, birdseed! I'm going to starve!" But as she explained it and showed me how to use my notebook (at least parts of it) I noticed something strange that I was eating allot and this was supposed to help me lose weight...yeah right?!

So Monday morning arrived with me on the scale...250.5 lbs. I look skinner in a suit so Monday morning was not impressive but I had committed to 6 weeks and I was committed to help my wife...too many times in the past I was a stumbling block...not this time! So I had breakfast which I hardly ever acknowledged before unless it was with a my order at Dunkin Donuts, "! Large Hot Hazelnut extra/extra and 1 boston creme and 1 glazed donut. Thank you!" so this morning was a little different...no dairy...no creamer...no cheese...no milk...no cereal...no waffles. Rice and Egg (whites...no yolks) boy was I depressed! For mid-morning snack I got to enjoy a fruit smoothie recipe that Kimberly found in our diet cookbook...really in the cookbook. So we sat and looked through the cookbook and planned (rather she did I just drooled thinking of eating all the recipes sounded delicious) our shopping list and meals.

AS you gathered Monday I was hungry and full...it was odd! I knew I was going to be ok and that I needed to lose a "couple of pounds" but now on Friday I am fully sold on the diet and 7.5 pounds lost later I am excited for what awaits us at the end of next week.

Some real benefits I see so far. I used to sleep in a recliner because my acid reflux was so bad on some nights I couldn't lay flat. I was a zantac and tums popping addict. So far this week I have not taken anything and have not had an issue with stomach acid. I eat more during the day and truly do have more energy throughout the day! I go to bed earlier since this is when I really struggle with my "junk food in front of the t.v." syndrome. So I sleep better and longer now and am excited to wake up and start another day of eating.

In case you're wondering...now I have not done a bit of exercise with the videos at all though I plan to to shape and trim my 'weak areas' and I drink mostly nothing but water (nearly 100 ounces a day) with an occasional coffee thrown in. It has been good so far and I'm having fun! I'll keep ya posted on more later.

Why create another blog?

2008-06-13T08:58:00.001-07:00

Well, I've toyed with the idea of having another blog for awhile now. I love my first blog, Pulpit Poetry where I get to share my studies and devotions and opinions as a Christian and as a pastor. But I've felt the need to just create a blog that I can just share my thoughts and ramblings as a man, a husband, and a father. So I pray that you'll hear my mumblings from my heart and if you find them interesting then feel free to leave a comment! God bless you my family and friends...see you around the keyboard!!